I still am

I still am…

I don’t even remember when I smoked my first cigarette. What I remember of it is that it was some time in ninth grade.  At that point I had no idea that what I was getting into has the potential to make me reach the point where I stand today. I have never been completely honest with people when it considered them questioning how or why I started smoking. Or, for those matters I don’t even have an honest answer for the question when am I going to quit. But today, for once I am not going to try and convince myself into believing that it is okay to lead a life like mine. Even though I hate admitting this fact but I know somewhere deep inside that I am harming myself the most in the process. It isn’t only myself I have hurt in the process. Looking back, I can count the number of things I have lost and the number of people I have lost. All this because I got selfish.

Before I list down all my losses, I want to speak a little about how it all started.  It was a senior at school who offered a bunch of other guys and me a smoke. It was the considered the bravest thing to do then, it also meant earning a few brownie points from seniors. This stuff meant a great deal to every boy growing up in my school. There was a different kind of a rush we got getting that kind of importance and everyone wanting to be associated with us at parties because we were “cool” to hang out with. The high we got from this was similar to the beer buzz one experiences after consuming their first few pints. You are in connection with reality but you still have that swirl in the head. This was just the start. At that point I didn’t even realize what I was getting into. The journey was such that I am still trying to find the correct path trying the hardest to figure myself out.

All this reminds me Tania, her words come flashing right back to me. I loved her so much, I still do. And I am sure she loved me too. It’s just that I loved my cigarettes and Js a little more. I could by no means get rid of those. She tried hard. Pushing herself beyond a breaking point to get me out. She called it an addiction. I hated her at that moment. But now when I reflect upon all that I have lost I know she was right. The very fact that I have been living in denial proves my dependence on them. Even at this point, where I am writing about all this, a huge part of me is getting wounded inside. I lost Tania not because I loved her less, but because I love my smokes and Js more. She wanted a family. I couldn’t think of having one. But the truth today is that I actually fear whether I can or not father a healthy child. I know it’s the reality but I have no solution out of this problem. My heart breaks every time I see Manoj, a dear friend of mine. He used to be like me at one point of time. But today, he is a father of a beautiful little girl. More importantly he is content with his life. He was able to win over his desire to smoke and other addictions. I couldn't. It kills me inside just admitting this fact. I have lost all that I had close to me, Tania, my job, my calm, everything. I am irritable if I smoke two cigarettes or a joint lesser. I feel disoriented without. I need to keep function. Every night before sleeping I think to myself that I need to quit it. But what remains of this the next morning is nothing but an empty plan. I am never able to implement my plan because I know I am not strong enough to do so. Plus I don’t have a strategy to get myself out of this. These things have become such an integral part of me; it’s almost like brushing my teeth or eating.

Now I want to change. I need to do this for myself, for Tania. This will be the best way to silently appreciate all that she ever did for me, even though I have lost all privileges for any of that. I am not too sure of how I am going to get to my goal. But what I am sure of this time, is myself. I have faith in me to make a change. Concluding this with something Tania always said, “The very fact that someone realizes their mistake is equivalent to become deserving of forgiveness”. And I am hopeful to work in life. 

Stuti Gupta & Aaditri Jha